How to Make Her Smile
by Steely Spearmint
Summary: Who's the little Oriental girl that Lau is always dragging around? Undertaker wants to know, but the more pressing question is 'how to make her smile.' [Crack Pairing; three-shot]
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: _I don't own Kuroshitsuji, its characters, or the Chinese jokes in this chapter.

* * *

Undertaker had spent the morning wandering around his little shop, rearranging things as he saw fit, and had just decided to take a little walk to the market on the corner and pick up more ingredients for his infamous bone-shaped cookies when he saw a vaguely familiar figure pass by on the other side of the dusty display window at the front of his store. The silver-haired shinigami quickly hopped into the nearest coffin but the man didn't enter - he _did_ pause by the door, however, and turned as if waiting for another person. Curious, Undertaker held the coffin open just enough for one of his eyes to peer through.

Lau. That's what the man's name was. Undertaker knew that thanks to the little Earl Phantomhive. Lau had also visited his shop during that Jack the Ripper incident - he could still remember the sweet look of surprise and terror on the Oriental man's face when he'd peered out of that coffin at his guests~ Hehee~

Oh darn, had that little giggle been out loud? A guest might have heard him.

No, they hadn't seen him, but the girl now within sight casually glanced into his shop, then pressed her hands and face against the glass like a child gazing into a toy store. She was very childlike, save for the rather large...feminine assets she possessed-

-and the absolute lack of expression on her face as she gazed at his beautifully crafted resting places of the dead, save for what could be a faint glimmer of interest in her deep brown eyes.

_"How interesting... I wonder if I have a coffin in a size suitable for such a...petite guest~"_ Undertaker grinned to himself. _"And how to prepare her... Such a blank visage would most definitely present a challenge..."_

To his disappointment, however, Lau calmly dragged the woman away.

_-Smile-*'

It was around dinnertime when Undertaker realized that he was starving. All he'd had after an afternoon of shopping were the cookie ingredients. The produce he usually didn't mind buying at the market wasn't up to his usual standards, so he'd had to make a quick trip to his secondary market several blocks out of his way. Then he'd remembered that he needed to place an order for more coffin wood and polish for the lockets hanging from the chain around his waist.

In the end, he decided to dine at a little Indian curry restaurant tucked into a rather shady-looking alley. The building was actually very clean and well-kept despite its location. Hopefully Undertaker's meal would be expensive enough to clean the last of those wretched coins out of his pockets. (He'd rather have given them a good laugh in exchange for a hot bowl of curry, but since humans insisted that money was what made the world go round, he only took what was necessary to continue his work and well-being from his clients.)

"I picked up a few new jokes, Ran-Mao. Tell me what you think of them."

Undertaker peered at the two Orientals out of the shadowy corner where he was seated. Lau and his companion - Ran-Mao.

"A teacher was helping his students prepare for a test by pointing out important parts of the material. He says, at one point, 'This topic is very important. Mark this section with a star.' However, one of the students asks, 'Can I use a checkmark? A monkey is too hard to draw.'"

Undertaker nearly groaned. That was horrible! It didn't even make a lick of sense! Lau's sense of humor seemed to have degraded even more since his 'New Year Tiger' joke!

Ran-Mao seemed a little skeptical as well, if the tiny shrug was anything to go by.

"Okay... But how about this one:

"A teacher asks his class, 'If you had just one day to live, where would you go?'  
After a pause, one student chooses to answer, 'I would spend my last day in school, in this classroom.' Pleased, the teacher replies, 'Oh! How touching! Such an eager student!' But then the student clarifies his statement with, 'because time in this class goes so slowly, one day feels like a year!'"

Now that was better~ The silver-haired shinigami felt the corners of his lips twitch upward for a moment. Apparently human schools weren't too different from shinigami academies.

How did the petite woman not enjoy that joke? Ran-Mao just stared at Lau as if he'd spoken fluent Gaelic. Her gaze didn't even falter when her companion repeated the joke in what was obviously Chinese. Did that perfect little face ever shift out of its emotionless little pout?

Or, even worse, did Ran-Mao not have any sense of humor at all?

Impossible! Undertaker decided right then and there to find something that would make Ran-Mao laugh. The task would definitely add some much-needed excitement to his life.

* * *

[Edited 12-18-14]


	2. Chapter 2

It was a couple of weeks before Undertaker saw Ran-Mao again. He'd been driving his carriage past the grounds of the Phantomhive manor, having just picked up a new guest from a neighboring noble family, when he caught sight of her and Lau in another carriage trundling down the road to the young earl's estate.

_"I guess thinking of the Devil makes him appear too. Or her... Oh well; better late than never~!"_ He giggled to himself as he impulsively turned the pair of coal black horses attached to his vehicle about and followed the Orientals. Why not implement a few of the plans that he'd made to make her smile now that he knew where she was?

Plus he'd been carrying around most of the props for over a week and was getting tired of lugging them everywhere he went.

_-Smile-*'

"May I ask what you are doing here, Undertaker?"

The silver-haired shinigami had just planted the last usable prop and was in the middle of turning to leave the scene when he came face-to-face with the demonic Phantomhive butler - Sebastian Michaelis. (Undertaker didn't think that was a half bad name for the demon.)

"Seeing if the little earl has a certain something in his possession that he didn't get from me~"

"...A coffin?"

"What else~? Ehhehehehehehee~"

Sebastian sighed. "I'm afraid the young master has nothing of the sort anywhere on the premises."

_BOOOOOOOOOOM! POPPOPPOPPOPPOP-KA-POW! Whizzzzzzzzzz-PHHHLOOM!_

The fireworks rocked the manor and bits of the ceiling rained down from the rafters.

"...He may need one after that~" Undertaker giggled to himself. The first prop had been used a little earlier than planned, but at least he was able to catch a glimpse of the parlor that contained little Ciel and his guests. They were all showing signs of surprise at the loud noise. Good, good, hehee~ He covered his mouth when Sebastian gave him a slightly curious look - another giggle must've slipped out without permission.

Before the demonic butler could comment, however, a very crispy Bardroy leapt out of the kitchen with a Catherine wheel hot on his heels. A couple of sparklers trailed behind the larger firework but died out in the middle of the hall.

"Sebastian, make sure that the kitchen is salvageable..." Ciel sighed, then caught sight of a snickering Undertaker. "Undertak- Ahh!"

The supposedly dead sparklers had started spraying multicolored sparks at the earl's feet, causing him to jump backward in surprise and nearly fall onto Lau.

"Ehhehehehehehehehehee~ Ohh, little earl, you amuse me so~!"

"Oh yes!" Lau added with a smug smile. "Now, how does he amuse you?"

Ciel blanched. "Don't say anything unless you know what you're talking about! Now, Sebastian, go see if the kitchen is salvageable!"

"Yes, my lord," the demonic butler bowed before leaving the area.

While the others were distracted, Undertaker glanced at Ran-Mao only to find her as unreadable as ever. Apparently people being caught unawares by fireworks wasn't very amusing to her.

Oh well. Maybe one of the other props would yield better results.

_-Smile-*'

Since Ciel didn't need Undertaker's services but grudgingly allowed him to stay for tea anyway, the silver-haired shinigami sat quietly off to the side with his own tea service and the last of his bone-shaped cookies, which he'd forgotten he'd put in one of his pockets. He only half-listened to the others' conversation as he nibbled on his homemade treats - another of the props should be in use soon.

A nearly inaudible bubbling sound finally reached his ears. It was about time! Grinning mischievously to himself, Undertaker quietly rose and made his way to the laundry room. The bubbling had gotten louder, but not much.

Undertaker barely turned the doorknob and the door burst wide open, frothy bubbles spilling everywhere. He managed to keep his footing until a very sudsy magenta-haired maid with huge glasses skidded into him and knocked him over.

"Ehhehehehehehehee~ Let me help you up~" He used the wall to help regain his footing before reaching down to the maid.

"Uwaah! I'm sorry mister, I am! It was an accident - I must've read the label on the soap wrong again, yes?!" She gasped as Undertaker pulled her up and helped her regain her balance on the slippery suds only to nearly fall down again.

"Mey-Rin?!"

"Master Ciel, I wouldn't come down here if I were you! It's slippery, it is!"

But it was too late. Ciel had already stepped onto the bubbly carpet and lost his footing. Somehow, however, Sebastian was suddenly right behind his young master, propping him up until he could recover.

"Mey-Rin, what have I told you about double-checking the instructions?" The demonic butler glared at the maid, whose instinctive flinch sent her and Undertaker sliding across the blubbles.

"Wheeeeeee~!"

Ran-Mao, curious as to what all the noise was about, followed Lau to the scene just as Undertaker deposited Mey-Rin onto solid ground and reached out to pull her onto the suds. Lau frowned a little but didn't comment as his 'little sister' was almost literally whisked right out from under his nose.

"Do you like this~?" Undertaker's grin was much bigger than normal as he tried to make the ride as smooth as possible for the Oriental woman.

Ran-Mao nodded slightly, but her expression didn't change.

Slightly disappointed, the silver-haired shinigami took her back to the dry carpet and allowed a very irritated Sebastian to clean up the mess.

_-Smile-*'

There was one more prop that might tease a smile out of Ran-Mao, but it was just as unsuccessful as the other two. Even Ciel running away from the Leaf Monster (which was really Finnian covered in sticky leaves) didn't brighten up Undertaker's day as much as it should have. Feeling a bit gloomy, the silver-haired shinigami climbed into the driver's box of his carriage and drove back into town.

_-Smile-*'

_"That man was strange..."_ Ran-Mao thought to herself as she watched Undertaker drive away through her carriage's window. He was certainly...different, but then again, most people in this country were. Different clothes, different manners, different jobs... Why did Lau choose to drag her here all the time? He had plenty of other bodyguards and assassins at his disposal.

Sometimes she wished she wasn't his 'favorite,' his 'little sister,' but nothing in life came without strings attached.

Maybe she'd try to find that strange man tomorrow, or whenever she had at least a day off.

* * *

[Edited 12-18-14]


	3. Chapter 3

Undertaker didn't remember ever feeling so gloomy before. He had plenty of guests to dress up and craft coffins for, a nice supply of funeral clothes that had been delivered two days previously, and a couple dozen bone-shaped cookies in the oven, but he couldn't quite put his finger on the problem.

Well, maybe gloomy wasn't the right word. Melancholy, dull, somber, lethargic... "Lonely..."

A low rumble of thunder nicely underlined the former shinigami's realization. Even though he'd forced all thoughts of Ran-Mao to the back of his mind they continued to tease him. He still found himself putting other people's smiles and laughs with her face in an attempt to figure out what she'd look like if she ever did gain an ounce of expression.

Maybe the stormy weather had something to do with it as well. Rain did have a way of making one sentimental.

"Rain, rain, go away~" he murmured as he wound his way to the back room and picked out a small suit for a young boy that would be buried within the week. "Come again another da- Ohhh, another guest? Ehhehee~"

The knock on the shop's front door had been nearly lost in the roar of the downpour on the roof, but Undertaker caught it and slowly moved back to the main room of his businessplace. Who in the world would be out in weather like this?

"Yeeeeeee..." The silver-haired shinigami's jaw almost dropped in surprise as his bang-covered eyes landed on the slightly damp form of the very woman he'd just been thinking about!

"..."

"..."

"...Ni-hao." Ran-Mao's voice was slightly deeper than expected but very pleasant to the ear.

When she received no response, the Oriental woman slipped by Undertaker and closed her deep purple umbrella. _"There should be an umbrella stand somewhere?"_ She wondered to herself as she looked around the parlor.

"I'll take that, and your goat- your _coat_¸ ehhehehe~" Undertaker chuckled sheepishly at his mistake while moving Ran-Mao's umbrella and coat to a stand behind the front door...which was still open.

_Slam!_

Undertaker closed the door with a sharp snap and leaned against it slightly, taking a few moments to compose himself. "I'll take you to the fire to dry off."

Ran-Mao nodded and followed her host when he finally gestured to her, pausing once in a while to peer into a casket or poke a particularly peaceful-looking corpse. _"So these people like to make the dead look like they are asleep as well..."_

By the time Ran-Mao made it to the back room Undertaker had added more wood to the fire and was starting to prepare tea. Not sure what to do, the Oriental woman sat down in Undertaker's large overstuffed chair.

"I'll get some cups and cookies, my pretty guest~" The silver-haired shinigami chuckled softly as he made his way back to the front room, not even pausing when the electricity suddenly went out. He knew his shop and everything in it like the back of his hand so the lack of light made almost no difference to him.

Undertaker easily took the urn full of freshly-baked bone-shaped cookies and a pair of beakers down from their shelves and began to walk back towards the faint, flickering light of the fire when he heard an odd scraping sound. Maybe a rat had gotten trapped in one of the clothes crates and was trying to get out; it wouldn't be the first time something like that had happened. Maybe it would even scare Ran-Mao, hehee~

Another box moved. How strange...he'd have to get onto the packing crew for possibly damaging the funeral garb.

"Ah!"

Undertaker had been so focused on trying to catch a glimpse of the culprit that he didn't see the misplaced crate lid right in front of him. He might have stood a chance if he was wearing his shinigami glasses, but since he wasn't his other foot missed the step down into the back room entirely and he fell face-first into something soft but scratchy.

After a bit of flailing, during which he lost his hat, knocked his knee against something hard, and hopelessly tangled one hand in fabric of some sort, the former shinigami finally freed his other hand (which had been pinned under the cookie urn) and pulled himself out of a large crate of women's clothing.

Ran-Mao's face was literally inches from his own, her large brown eyes gazing into his bang-covered ones, and on her head...

Undertaker giggled despite himself. The Oriental woman had a pair of ladies' bloomers on her head! Surely she'd spent enough time in England to know that she was wearing them on the wrong part of her body?!

Without any warning, Ran-Mao pulled another pair of bloomers out from Undertaker and carefully placed them on his head.

"...Ehhehehehee~"

What really made Undertaker start laughing was when she used a couple of petticoats to create makeshift Chinese outfit for them. One look at himself in a full-length mirror that he kept in the front of the store nearly brought him to his knees - those bloomers looked even more ridiculous on himself than her!

"Good?" Ran-Mao quietly asked once the former shinigami calmed down enough to wipe his eyes.

"V- ehheh~ Very good. _Very_ good... Although the bloomers may be a bit much on my usual kind of guests, ehhehee~"

The smile he caught on her face was smaller than expected, and lasted until she realized he could see it in the mirror, but was perfect all the same. Mission accomplished. He'd figured out how to make her smile.

* * *

_Notes:_

Bloomers - Ran-Mao wore these on her head during the Murder-Mystery arc, and seemed to like them. Bloomers are Victorian-Era underwear for women based on Turkish pants, and quickly became practical wear when women began to take up horseback riding and bicycling.

Ran-Mao's voice - based on what I could hear when she had a couple of small speaking parts in 'That Butler, Performer,' the first Kuroshitsuji OVA.

* * *

[Edited 12-18-14]


End file.
